However, the worst feeling in the world is missing someone who is present in your life every day. Sometimes a bodily presence really isn't enough, and at times a person could feel unwanted and taken for granted. This is where I stand now, feeling completely alone as I watch the shell of my father walk out of the house in the morning for work, and walk out of the house at night to live his own life. There is no other way to describe a feeling that eats away at me every day other than by using the word horrid.
My father could be described as a potential candidate for a saint by the people outside of his family. He stood by my mother as she became sick and ultimately passed, he worked hard at his business to put his children through school, and his sensitivity made him easy to talk to about problems. As his daughter I do give him a lot of credit for being the person he is, being the one that works hard to financially care for his three daughters, the one who never let his children go hungry or naked. But, as times have changed, the values I had have changed also.
Every relationship has their flaws, their downfalls, and their struggles. I would give anything to have to decipher what to do to get passed a flaw or downfall in a relationship with my father. But as I have grown up I have realized that any emotional connection, any connection at all, is not present between my father and myself. Now maybe this sounds harsh, he of course is my biological father; his blood runs through my veins, he gave me his facial structure, his sensitivity, and his pride. But in reality, money and looks is all my father has ever given to me.
As the youngest child of a widowed father, people would think I am spoiled and bratty. But on the other hand, I have realized that the excuse my father has used to get away with not having a relationship with his daughter was money. At first I was blinded, thinking the best thing in the world was to wake up in the morning to find a twenty dollar bill slipped underneath my door, or to simply swipe my plastic card and not have to worry about who was paying for my gas or my small shopping sprees, or driving around all day and not having to think about who was paying for insurance on my car. Now, the material things don't mean as much to me as the feeling I'm missing.
I'm missing being worthy of someone such as my father wanting to spend time with me. I'm missing hugging my father and actually feeling a pull in my heart. I'm missing having someone to talk to on long summer nights, or someone to joke with. Sure, I am going through the motions now, the quick dinners that usually end in silence, the hugs that he asks for that make me feel like some sort of porcelain doll, the talks about everything meaningless because we're avoiding our feelings. It's not enough.
I want to feel wanted by the only parent I have. I want to tell stories to my friends about what my father and I did this weekend in our time off. I want to smile and laugh with him without putting on a facade which says "everything is fine, I'm not hurt". I want to hug him and hear his heart pounding in my ear and know that it's pounding with love for his child. I want to know that on a timely and loving basis, nothing else compares to being with me. I want to know that even when we live our separate lives day in and day out, we are still somehow connected.
These are my standards, my values that have been eating away at me because as much as I need them, nothing ever measures up enough to receive them. I sincerely want to make a change for the benefit of my relationship with my father. But as of right now, any change I have thought to make has pushed him farther and farther away.
Consequently, I can't help but wonder, will I ever really have a father?
